Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Why are bridges so flammable.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh