If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
In case you needed to hear it:
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.