wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.