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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.