sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I am a gravy boat captain
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now