INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
What’s so funny?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?