chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
this is uni
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
your honor my client chooses dare
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Finally!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.