“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
😬
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.