Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.