Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.