I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
You Might Also Like
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Jupiter
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.