A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”