‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
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I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.