Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
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Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it