nice challenge
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.