[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Husband of the year 😂
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.