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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?