Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I missed you with all my darts
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.