omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.