[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.