Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts