You Might Also Like
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.