My astrological sign is KFC gravy
You Might Also Like
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.