When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?