1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.