My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.