Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*bites zombie*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Me :
All Day At Night
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*