[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When he asks for feet pics
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out