Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Previously On Persistence 😎
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Going to church you guys need anything
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.