The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
dude it’s called proctologist
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The cashier just checked me out.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Adultry does not sound fun at all