Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
my retirement plan is braless
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.