an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.