you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s family
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee