No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I support this random dude and all his protests
*praying for world peace*
God:
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
As the Lord intended
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like