When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.