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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?