If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.