My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
How does one answer this?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?