My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Still a very good boi….
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.