It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.