Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”