They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.