I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]