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Mouse
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…