Here’s a meme
You Might Also Like
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.