It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I鈥檒l tell your friend you like their tweet.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
It鈥檚 easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
craving $300 all of a sudden
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
馃槻 WTF? 馃槅
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I鈥檓 going to eat them both.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don鈥檛 think he鈥檒l be making that mistake again.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Did鈥id a minotaur write this
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no