Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79