Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
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A choir of Spring onions
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.