ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
You Might Also Like
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.