HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
You Might Also Like
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
This is my bus stop.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.